- (Woman) You all right, love? - Yes, l'm fine.
Are you sure you're all right with this, Darren?
- l'm fine. lt's only six bits of wood. - We can still get Terry to come in.
- lt only costs a couple of quid, love. - We don't need Terry.
- Are you sure? - Yes, it's great.
Argh, Jesus!
Oh, fuckin' hell!
Here you are, love.
- l'm gonna pop out to the shops. - All right.
- Oh, God! - (Woman) l'm back, love.
- Hi-ya, love. - Hey.
You haven't moved. You haven't moved your hand either.
l haven't got a clamp. l'm waiting for the glue to set.
- l'm gonna run a bath. You coming up? - Yeah, in a bit.
Are you sure? l'll see you in a bit.
Jesus Christ, Darren, you look like shit.
You haven't been here all night?
No, l sneaked up late last night and l got up early this morning.
- But your hand, it's still holding it up. - lt all fell apart.
Why don't we fling it out? The skip's coming in about an hour.
lt's a shame, cos it's solid.
lt doesn't matter, we can get a new one.
(Phone ringing)
- There's the phone. - Leave it.
- No, go and get the phone. - All right.
- Can you take this? - Bye.
I used to think things Iike this wouIdn't happen
if we just taIked to one another.
They take a very practical approach, the animals.
UntiI I met my barber.
Your kangaroos, they look stupid, don't they?
Hoppity, hoppity, hop and everything like that.
I use every gene in my body to try not to engage him in conversation.
All right, l'm hopping about it's a bit boring, really.
But on the plus side, l'm in the Guinness book of records, cos l hop really well.
It struck me I was one of a growing number of peopIe
who try not to say very much.
In the country's Iiving rooms, peopIe aren't saying very much.
Our restaurants are fuII of coupIes not saying very much.
(Shivers) lt's chilly, isn't it?
Were they aIways not saying very much...
Busy for a Tuesday.
...right from the start?
The potatoes are nice.
Hmm.
In the age of mass communication, have we run out of things to say?
- So you got here all right then? - (All) Hmm.
Oh, Colin rang this morning.
Said he'd call again tomorrow.
Hmm.
l see the government wants more people to take out private pensions.
Hmm.
Something l saw in the paper.
Yes, l read it too.
Hmm.
Two knives.
Remind me again when we should get the taxi.
Aah!
Excuse me.
Could l see the list of dessert wines, please?
Sure.
Why do they do all them experiments on animals?
- Don't know. - l think it's very cruel, don't you?
Cos l think if the scientists, if they're so keen on the animal shape,
then they could use things which look like animals,
you know, like kid's puppets, something like that.
l was reading actually, in China, they actually use Clanger's testicles
for anaesthetics and painkillers and things like that.
lt's still a little bit cruel, they use a Clanger's testicle,
but, by the same token, if it was your child, you'd do it, wouldn't you?
You see these people out on the pavement with these petitions
and they got a photo of a Clanger with his guts hanging out,
and it makes you feel guilty, but you gotta go for it,
because the Clangers, they'd remove one of our testicles if they had to.
l don't know why they'd want to do that.
l suppose we could help them, in a way, l don't know,
like maybe have a card made or something which says,
''ln the event of my death, then l would like
''one of my testicles to be used to cure a Clanger.''
l feel sorry for the Clangers, cos they live on the moon, which is really boring.
- Have you seen it? - No.
Sometimes at sociaI occasions we'II taIk to peopIe we'd usuaIIy avoid.
For exampIe, the Christmas Iunch.
I had a sobering experience Iast year
when I went to my annuaI Victims of MedicaI NegIigence Christmas party.
They took my leg off but kept the foot on,
so l've got a wooden leg but a real foot.
l've just got one artery going from my thigh right down to my ankle.
SuddenIy, I noticed over in the corner,
the boss of a IocaI firm and his onIy empIoyee,
having what must've been the smaIIest Christmas office Iunch in the worId.
Remember that supply truck that only delivered half the stuff
and l had to get you chasing after it?
It was heartening to see their annuaI bash go so weII.
Bolivia, it's the highest capital in the world apparently.
Speech, speech!
Thank you. Er...
l'd just simply like to take this opportunity to thank you, Michael,
for all your work this year. lt's been a fantastic year.
l'd like to think the success we'd had is not just down to me.
- lt was a difficult year... - Get on with it!
- (Laughs) Er...no, but seriously... - Hurry up!
Michael, l'm trying to make a speech here.
l'd just really like to say, please, raise our glasses to you, Michael.
Cheers.
Woo! Woo! Hurray!
It went so weII, they agreed next year to hoId a company dinner-dance.
Even so, they Ieft in separate taxis despite Iiving 30 yards apart.
They then didn't speak again for a fortnight.
...cut all down there, they fold the flaps...
And now if l could have the rings.
Aren't there two rings?
No. l haven't got her a ring, Father.
- What do you mean? - l thought, yeah, l could get you a ring,
but l don't know what rings you like.
What do you mean?
l wanted to get you something nice, so l thought...
...here's £40...
...you can get yourself anything you like with that. There you go.
So, there's no ring?
No, as l've just said. She can get a ring.
You can get a ring. l don't mind.
- l know what l'll get with this money. - What you gonna get?
Well, it's Kate's birthday on Tuesday
and l saw this really nice print so l'm gonna get her that.
You're not getting something for yourself?
- l can spend my money on what l like. - OK, OK.
l just thought, you know...
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
A print's a good idea. Carry on, Father.
Hello, Hugh. l was just thinking how other people scare us. Come in.
So, Hugh, what about courting? how did you go out with a lady?
You couldn't just jump into bed with a lady back then.
You'd go along to her house and ask her parents
if you can knock her up and get her on crack.
lf they said yes, you took her along to a jungalist mash-up.
lt was called jungle then, not drum and bass. They came later.
What sort of things did you see?
Oh, we'd go to the music halls, all the variety acts were there -
Lily Savage and Kirsty Young.
l remember Chris Tarrant was working the halls -
he'd come on and he'd say ''But we don't wanna give you that.''
lt was very funny for the first year.
l've decided to make more of an effort to meet people
by booking into a hotel to take part in a communications conference.
l did some research and l found out that at any one time
80% of the population are in hotels having conferences.
l suppose conferences are splendid ways of starting friendships with people
and from there going on, never to see them ever again, which is great.
The conference is Iooking at
whether we've got so used to doing aII our communicating through gadgets
that scenes Iike this wiII become more common.
(Feedback screech)
Of course, the latest thing now is these WAP phones.
- They're small, aren't they? - Tiny.
We're absolutely obsessed with miniaturisation.
We'll end up eating miniaturised ice creams.
And they'll come up with a tiny Titanic and people will want to go on it -
they'll pay a thousand quid a ticket
to get a seat on a ship that's two inches long.
They'll get 1 00 people on it and still claim it's unsinkable.
Then, once we get bored with making things really small,
we'll want to make things enormous
and James Bond equipment will be huge.
All his films will feature huge gadgets, so he'll have laptops the size of a goat
or sugar cubes you can sit on.
AII that day I enjoyed knowing I couId have a decent conversation
with peopIe who were happy to taIk to me.
ln two years time we'll have smart mirrors that can predict your reflection
and swimming lanes you can fold up and put in your briefcase.
They're planning to issue fax paper that cries,
you know, for bad news. lt'll be fantastic.
Or fitness buns - big cream cakes that make you thin.
Though I enjoyed our chat, I had a sneaking suspicion
the reason we don't taIk to peopIe is, we're worried that if we do,
we'II sound Iike my barber.
They say the lnternet is fantastic
but they make exaggerated claims about anything.
They made exaggerated claims about the piano
when it took over from the harpsichord.
And they said that with the piano you could get better tunes
and a nice softer sound and online banking facilities.
But in the end, we just use the piano as an outlet for gambling and pornography.
Repeat after me - l, Anne Jane Taylor...
l, Anne Jane...
(Pakistani accent) Taylor...
Take you Balbea Rye...
(Pakistani accent) Take you Balbea Rye...
- (Laughter) - Oh, deary me.
What you doing?
lt's a joke.
lt's a joke. Don't you see? Because you're Pakistani.
- l'm lndian. - l know, whatever, it's just funny.
- Don't you get it? - l don't get it.
- You get it, don't you? - Absolutely.
(lndian accent) You're lndian.
Someone once said to me, ''Oi, you big-nosed Jock wop,
''come one, lighten up, it's only a joke.''
To which l said ''l don't find that funny, Mr Lloyd Webber''
Then l poured half a pint cream down the front of his trousers
and hit him eight times on the head with a ladder.
He didn't like that, so l said ''Lighten up, it's only slapstick.''
(Woman) You needed a waterproof husband.
Jokes heIp us cope. GiII Iost her husband, Keith, in a drowning accident.
- He thought he was a salt-water Keith. - Duncan Deadhew.
Or for Keith's friends, where humour heIped them through the trauma
of fishing him out of the water.
- Let's chuck him back in! - Yeah!
♪ Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go! ♪
Are you actually talking at the conference?
l'm doing the comedy bit at the end.
- That's you? - The after-dinner thing, yeah.
- That's good, cos it's serious all day... - l'm a bit nervous about it.
l think they're all expecting traditional jokes
and l haven't really mastered the traditional joke form.
You know, the ''l say, l say, my fly's got no nose.''
''Then how does it smell?'' ''Well, it's got a thousand eyes and that compensates.''
How many kangaroos does it take to change a tap?
They can't! At best they can locate the source of the water leak
by boinging up and down inside your house
to see if that affects the water pressure.
But they'll be hard put to do anything about it,
unless one of them happens to have the right copper connecting mechanism
in her sack of babies.
What's big and small at the same time?
A big egg.
- (Phone rings) - Hello, Television.
- How are we doing? - We've no sport.
- Why not? - lt's too expensive.
(Woman) l might be able to help there.
l spoke to Don King's people about the Lennox Lewis fight
and we could put out the shadows cast by the fight.
- How much? - A pound.
- We broadcast the shadows? - Yeah.
- Can we get any more? - Well?
l know someone at the London Marathon, we can get their shadows.
That's great, all those costumes, they all run. lt's on for five hours.
- 30,000 shadows. - What about the boat race?
(Woman) l can try.
- How much would the boat race be? - (Woman) l guess, a pound.
With me, with me - no sport - drama.
- ER. - How much would that be?
l haven't checked ER but Friends is a pound.
Pride And Prejudice, can we get D'Arcy's shadow for a pound?
That bit where he comes out of the lake?
For a pound?
Animal Hospital. Can we do Animal Hospital?
You'd have little shadows of mice and hamsters
but big shadows of Labradors.
- And Rolf? - And Rolf. Yes!
This is intelligent television.
We're saying, ''We're going to appeal to your imagination with shadows.
''lt's like radio.'' Brilliant.
ln the era of too much information, we give them insufficient information.
We're saying, ''Work it out for yourselves.''
- That's what's good about it. - You're very good at television.
- l didn't realise l was quite so good. - You are good.
- We're very, very good! - We're so good, we deserve to be here.
(All) ♪ We're good at television You're good at television ♪
♪ You're good at telly We're good at television ♪
Are you going to the artificial intelligence thing this afternoon?
Yes, l am. l don't know what it's gonna be about.
There is this theory that we make computers more intelligent,
and allow computers to do the things that we normally do,
like fishing and stuff like that.
Eventually we'll start making computers
that can do things we can't do,
like come up with the opposite of the word 'placard'.
And suddenly computers become so intelligent that we'll die out.
That's the theory, but l think that is bollocks.
l think what will happen is they'll make computers that are like human beings
but if they are like human beings, then fundamentally they'll be lazy.
They'll get other things to do the jobs that they don't wanna do, like men.
And what they'll do is, they'll breed men that can remember things
,and take notes for them and they'll have laptop men.
And there will be the craze for computers to think,
''Let's come up with a more efficient way of booking cheap flight tickets.''
You'll have computers with men strapped to the front
that shout to men attached to the front of travel agent computers.
And then they'll invent a man that's more intelligent than computers.
And this man will be enormous and computers will die out,
so everything will be the way it is, except men will be 50ft high
and they'll kill each other in a nuclear holocaust.
But that's not the point. The point is, we're in control of our own destiny.
- She's mad. - Hello, lads, how are you?
Are you planning to stand here all day?
- l'm waiting for my girlfriend. - Are you selling something?
What?
- Live here, do you, sir? - All my life.
- You must have seen me. - l've never seen you before, sir.
- So, what's the problem? - No problem at all, sir.
Commissioner's orders today - no obstructing the public highway.
- Bunch of black bastards. - Excuse me?
You heard what l said, you big bunch of very black bastards.
- That horse just spoke. - No, it didn't.
- Your horse made a racist remark. - lt didn't.
- What? - Prove it, Darky!
You heard that, l know you did. Your horse just spoke.
Are you saying our horses are racist?
- Yeah. - You heard it.
We don't do that any more in the police force.
- What you gonna do about it, blacks? - Rubber lips.
- Excuse me? - Scared of horses, are you? Gypsies.
(Horse ) l'll have you.
- Who you calling a gypsy? - Relax your horses.
You black puss, piss off back to lraq.
- Your horse is so confused. - Look at you, you Pakis.
Hang on, mate. You're having a go at us for standing here?
- Spic gits. - Bloody tossers.
- You're all the same. - (Horse ) Jewish towel heads.
Scared of horses, are you? l'll cut you up.
What's big and small at the same time?
A big egg.
l'm gonna do my comedy routine now, so l'm a little bit nervous
as to what their tastes and attitudes are like, cos we're all different.
We all have different ideas as to when is the best time
to make fun of a public figure who's died.
We all have our own Dead Princess Diana jokes
but l got into a lot of trouble for doing a whole stand-up comedy routine
consisting entirely of Dead Diana jokes,
five minutes after the crash... while in Paris.
Going through an underpass.
ln a white Fiat Uno.
lf you don't all improve communications technology,
four-fold, by 2005,
l'll fucking kill you. Thank you.
Well, thank you to the East End thug for an inspirational talk.
Right, now, to keep us entertained for a bit, we've got a terrific comedian.
l'm told he writes for Steve Coogan. Please welcome Armindi lannucci.
Thank you.
Dogs - we've all seen them, we all know what they look like.
But my dog has got no nose.
So the question we have to ask ourselves is, how does it smell?
Here you can see some of the proposed solutions -
use touch as a substitute, use taste as a substitute.
But the answer in this particular case is...terrible.
My dog smells terrible.
That's very important.
Moving on now. l'd like to introduce you to two people -
my mother-in-law and me.
And there you can see l'm not saying anything.
And what l'm not saying is, l'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat
but when she goes around the house, she goes around the house.
You can see my mother-in-law. She's literally going round the house.
What l was referring to earlier was her being so vast
that she envelops the house.
Turning now to Europe and the engine room of Europe is Germany.
Germany is opening Europe up to wider markets such as China.
And the question is, if Germany and China were to come together
and say, open up a German-Chinese restaurant,
would they market it successfully?
ln other words, have you heard about the German-Chinese restaurant?
lf you have, you'll know that 20 minutes after people eat there,
they're still hungry for power.
And there, the highly successful logo of the Nazi party.
l know that time's pressing, so l want to rush through the next few points.
There you can see a picture of Leslie Grantham in pantomime
and the key question here is, where's his career?
There you can see a chart illustrating that it's behind him.
On now to a picture of my grandmother doing a striptease.
There you can see her getting her teeth out for the lads.
A dyslexic pimp buying a warehouse.
A man with three pieces of ham on his head
stuck between two houses,
his name's Mo-ham-med Alley.
On now to a horse in a pub.
The barman's asking, ''Why the long face?''
There's a Mexican fireman with his children -
hose A and hose B.
Will you be coming back next week?
Hmm.